SHARING MY STORY

Ruth Shrofel

December 1994
A yellow slip in my mail slot. A phone message. Its two weeks to Christmas break and even though I teach in a senior high school, my students have been acting as if they can hardly wait for Santa ( actually he's been here all week at noon hour posing for pictures with the kids. I've got to wear something red for my picture tomorrow.) I'm sure this message is one of the steady stream of " John slept in today, or Sue will hand in her assignment tomorrow, or Mrs. Westmore would like an attendance check on her daughter."

What's this?

Ruth
Phone Doug Elliott at the Board Office

Doug is the acting superintendent, a good friend and a respected colleague, but every time he phones its with an offer I can't refuse -- a new committee, a new study group, a new idea he wants to share. What now? Do I have the time to? Do I have the time not to?

Hello, Doug Elliott, please.
Hi, Doug. Its Ruth Shrofel speaking, just returning your call.
Sure, but perhaps I could come over at eight and then I'll be back in time for my first class.
Oh, everyone's fine. Randy and the kids are pretty busy. Karin's in second year already, yes still in religious studies and Paul is really getting into his jazz studies.
How's your family?
Great!
Fine, See you Monday.

Oh boy, what is this all about? He wants to talk SOMETHING over with me. I've just started a course with Dr. Levin at the U of M on "Change in the Secondary School." Maybe Doug wants to discuss some of the ideas we are generating regarding parental involvement in the school. Our high school has been struggling with establishing a parent council and my Principal and I have been involved in much discussion. I'll be attending a workshop with Joyce Epstein on "School, Community Connections" in the new year. Doug is going to be on the panel with her, maybe that's what he wants to discuss. Maybe he wants to collaborate on a paper for the workshop. As the teacher representative I was part of a committee last year that wrote a paper on the division High School Conference and enjoyed the experience of working and writing with a high school principal, a superintendent, a parent and a student.

Its funny recalling how I first met Doug. I had resigned from my first teaching position seven years earlier in order to stay home with my children. My daughter was then in grade two and my son was just starting kindergarten when I was elected chair of the parent council of their school, a dual track K- 6 school. As chairperson I was to sit on the committee which was to interview candidates for the position of principal. I was impressed that The divisionsought parental input in such a decision. Doug was a candidate and I felt immediately that such a thoughtful, well read individual would be the right leader for my children's school. He presented himself as a scholar and at the same time someone who knew and liked children. He had a sense of humour that, even though he was being interviewed, helped to put me at ease. I later got to know Doug as the principal, working with him as a parent council representative. He never saw me without asking about my family and sharing comments about his own. In discussion of school issues he let me know that as parent my input was not limited to "fund raising" but rather he shared his vision of the school, the dual track structure, the expansion of the music program, the introduction of a reading program involving mentoring of the primary students by the grade 6 children. Doug's manner of inclusion was on my mind now, but what was the SOMETHING in which I was about to be included?

Or maybe Doug wants to talk about the grade 10 team that our high school is trying to establish. I've recently been appointed team leader and submitted a proposal for educational leave on behalf of my team for September 1995. We were granted 12 days during the year to study teaming and how this structure will help kids become engaged learners. We are discussing methods of integrating disciplines, means of home communication, and ways of helping students take ownership of their own education. I am really excited about this team concept. I've always felt that the synergy of such a group was a valuable but as yet untapped resource in our school. We had had some difficulty actually forming this team as teachers seemed reticent to volunteer and yet a few staff had spoken to me privately and indicated an interest. So finally we just asked these individuals to come aboard and already we seemed to be gathering momentum. Our discussions had moved to concerns for helping the students connect to school. I feel I'm learning so much about these teachers and how much they care for our students. I know Doug would be a great resource. I'll have to ask for some articles he has on the subject. But why didn't he just say that's what he wanted?

Oh, I know! I was part of a group involving teacher action research about four years ago. Doug initiated that group and we had some great discussions. I remember enjoying meeting and hearing about teachers in other schools. As small as the division is we still don't have much time for inter-school conversation. I couldn't see how we would have anything to discuss regarding our research because we came from various levels and disciplines. But we really found ourselves discussing our practice and got into some good moments just talking about what went on during our day. I had tried to look at the female student in the science class and had done a great deal of reading. I had great difficulty actually getting down to my topic, tabulating data, conducting interviews, creating surveys that were all to be part of my research. Doug and I had talked about reestablishing such a group and this time maybe doing some more writing. Well, will I have the time right now with everything else I'm trying to juggle? A new study group, OK this I'll enjoy.

Oh, no! He wants me to change schools! That must be it!is going through reorganization and I'm sure he wants me to move into a middle years setting, maybe to help work with the mathematics/ science programs. But I'm so comfortable at this high school -- after ten years I am considered a veteran on staff. Kids know me as someone that has taught their brother/ sister/ friend and come into my classes already prepared to accept me and generally ready to work with me. I have my routine down as far as committees I serve on or chair and I feel respected, accepted and an integral part of the school. I am not staid in my position as I have been appointed team leader and am working hard to promote the team concept to staff and community. What will I say when Doug asks me to leave BiHigh?

*****

Monday morning 7:50 AM, I pull into the board office parking lot. The secretary arrived only minutes before me and says Doug is not usually in this early. Why did I suggest such an early meeting? He had said let's go for lunch but I just couldn't miss a class, not with my math 40S students writing the provincial exam a week after Christmas break. Oh great, there is serious talk about provincial exams in the middle years, too. Well, I'm about to find out just what SOMETHING is.

"Administration," he said. "Had I ever considered administration?" I was prepared to talk about parents, community, teams, kids, committees, colleagues, study, courses, middle years, mathematics, physics, women in science, my own family, how was I to know that when Doug said "administration," he was actually talking about all these and more.

December 1996

I've been at RC as Vice Principal for a year and a half now. Sometimes it seems like I arrived just yesterday : sometimes it seems like I've been here forever. I still get asked how I'm enjoying the new position and if I knew what this position would entail. I answer yes and no. I truly never realized when I accepted the position what was in store for me. It was a transition year for RC, the uniting of our two buildings was seen as physically impossible and emotionally almost heresy. When I began in August I felt as if I were yet a further imposition on the school. I experienced what according to many first year administrators is a common experience, that of a fundamentally and permanently altered relationship with fellow teachers. I became a part of "the office ." Where once I had been a competent, efficient classroom teacher I was now a complete novice. Documents crossed my desk that I, in fifteen years of teaching, had never seen, but now was expected to react and respond to quickly, efficiently and correctly. I was consulted by parents and students alike on course requirements for graduation and for specific career choices. I was asked to quickly decide on budget issues concerning professional development funding, textbook purchases, petty cash refunds and drafting of grant proposals. The discipline issues that I handled in my own classroom paled in comparison to the students issues I was expected to handle in the office and I quickly found out that "I was always right and I was always wDougg." Thinking back to those first few months I wonder how I got through and perhaps more importantly why I got through. What is it that I have experienced in the past year that has helped me through this journey called education?

My reflections centre, of course, on my first year as an administrator. There are moments of frustration, moments of revelation, moments of confusion and moments of satisfaction. All these moments revolve around myself and my family, myself and my students, and myself and my colleagues. I have listed three issues as if they are in fact separate and yet as I let my story unfold I realize that the boundaries are very arbitrary and perhaps even artificial.

Journal entries about my family. Anyone who knows me or even is merely introduced will soon learn not much happens to me that my family is not a big part of. So often when I talk with kids I hear my own children's voices, or I ask myself what would I say if that were indeed my child's voice I hear. I can't separate the mother from the VP when I talk to parents and I empathize if not totally identify with their parental concerns. I have said repeatedly that the one thing that saved me many a day was the fact that my son was a grade twelve student in the school. On days when I felt most vulnerable Paul's greeting of "Hi Mom! How's it going?" always made me feel relieved that someone knew Me and accepted Me even if I didn't have all the answers. I finally realized the truth of all the reading I had done about the need for students to feel connected, the need for students to feel known in the school.

My son's presence in the school also made me more sensitive to the way teachers talk about their students especially in our sometimes careless staff room manner. We so often let the day's frustrations take over and begin to refer to some students in disrespectful terms. A teacher once said to me that my son's music talent was all well and good but it was time he became a "real" student. I've spent 15 years teaching math and physics and I don't believe I have ever seen a student as dedicated to the study of these disciplines as my son to the study of music. While reading an article by Frank Conroy ( Conroy,1991) I found myself intrigued -- Jazz, immediately caught my attention as Jazz is the love of my son's life. I've listened to more jazz and been given more "lectures" on the subject into the wee hours of the morning than I care to recall. My son claims he has no proficiency in mathematics and yet he can go on for literally hours about diminished chords, 6ths, 7ths, triads, progressions, inversions etc. In one discussion he gave what I considered a terrific math 40S lesson on permutations and combinations ( which is what Conroy is describing). If only his math had been taught by drawing connections to music. I feel the need to initiate discussion with my son's teacher on the validity of other ways of learning. Real students are those who feel a connection to their own learning.

In an attempt to help our students find connections with the school and with their own learning I have been a stDougg supporter of a team structure especially for our grade nine and ten students. I feel that not only will the identification with a smaller group of teachers help the students feel known as individuals the team structure will also support the teachers offering a forum for sharing and discussion. However, I have made many mistakes in dealing with kids, and many more in dealing with staff ( often before 9:30 AM ). while saying that I believe in a team approach I proceeded to invite only part of the grade nine teaching staff to a team meeting. I took the easy way and met with those teachers whose timetable fit my calendar. It was a mistake and when it was pointed out that not all teachers were invited I immediately went to each teacher explained my mistake and discussed how we could all share the information discussed at the meeting without adding to our already hectic schedules by meeting at 8:00 AM., noon, or after 4:00. It was decided the meeting should be more formal than originally planned for with agenda and minutes which would be shared around the staff. Input was requested and discussion topics sought. Everyone seemed satisfied with this solution. One individual however could not let me "off the hook" with a mere apology and an attempt at a solution, but felt compelled to tell me that he and the others were always ignored by "the office" and therefore it was nothing new to him. Well I must say for someone who can usually accept things with at least external calm I gave him my "mother's wagging finger" and told him that I had made a mistake without malice and forethought and that I could make enough mistakes on my own without taking on responsibility for everyone else would had passed through this office at one time or another. I felt he obviously does not know me very well but I knew that I would not stop our conversation with this exchange. He just might learn about me while I'm learning myself and who knows we both might learn a little bit about him too. What had made me so angry was the fact that he looked right through me to focus only on my position. But I realized that he probably felt that I had done the same to him, seeing him as an "options" teacher and therefore almost optional himself. I could not let this perception grow. I have heard that in the past the "non-academic" teachers were referred to as NRT (not real teachers). Such disrespect makes me angry, and hurt. Later when I read Deborah Meier's passage about "academic" misconceptions I shared the article with him. Specifically Meier's comments about

more jobs in New York City for people with advanced musical or artistic skills than those with advanced calculus… Which leads them into improved habits of citizenship? I'd be hard put to claim calculus the winner over art or music on any such measure of real-life utility. (Meier, 1995: 165 )

The comment back to me was ( with a smile) "you should be reading that to others. I have been saying that all along." I told him that the reason I shared it was to show what I was reading and how I was learning. He thanked me for sharing and then came back with an article on Art Therapy for students at risk. This article was immediately put on my reading list for the weekend and I look forward to more discussion and sharing of articles. I believe we still have much to learn about each other. Indeed, we still have much to learn from and with each other.

With the Art Therapy article still lying on my desk I received an interesting phone call from a parent ( no names given) who said her daughter was considering "dropping " band, and would we "give " her daughter half a credit for the work she had done in band to this point? I explained that band is a full year course and that there is no option for completing only half the course but asked if she could explain the reason for her request. She would not but said she felt that it was unfair that some credit was not given before the course was finished. I said that policy was not to allow half credits in any course as for example, dropping out of math at mid term. " Oh, now that makes sense. I see your point." was her response. By substituting math for band made our whole conversation more legitimate. Meier says

art and music… are not "academic" unless we sever their connection from performance-from doing. (Meier 1995: 165)

Yet the caring and reality I felt in Meier's description of portfolio-based graduation requires "students to prepare tangible demonstrations of their knowledge and competence" or in other words performance- based criteria. A final bit to this story. My son's teacher passed me in the hall the other day and stopped to show me the book he was carrying under his arm. It was titled "Basic Chords for the guitar." He said " Last year whenever I needed music information for my physics class I would just ask Paul. Now I have to look it up myself." I thought to myself, " Just like a Real student." The teacher smiled and I knew we also were taking some steps together in learning about each other and the kids we teach. Slowly I feel we are building a relationship based on mutual respect but virtue of our conversations.

And the grade nine team. Such a pleasure to work with. I know we are taking our first steps towards some changes in classroom practice. But these changes are being made because these teachers recognize the students needs. I really hear them saying that they are excited about sharing and supporting each other. They have said they feel valued. I'm concerned that this continues and even if teachers outside this triad do not see the changes being made that we still value each other. My concern seem to center around this groups acceptance by those teachers who fear change (grade 9s are going too far) and by those teachers who are already examine their practice and pushing forward ( those grade 9s are not moving fast enough). I believe that we all have much to offer and as long as we don't shut down our dialogues we can respectful of each others journey.

On a daily basis I have conversations not only with staff but with individual students. Again I think about my own children and how as a parent I heard their concerns about credits and deadlines and graduation. But here my tension between management Vs leadership comes through. As manager the credits get checked and the names get proof-read and that's that. However, such a great part of me cares about each student and their concerns about receiving the right credits, the right marks, making the right decision about the right course for the right future study. Reading Meier's book sounds so much more real, so much more caring and appropriate. At graduation time not only am I involved in staffing issues, time tabling concerns, registration, graduation, plus the everyday concerns of a large urban high school, I also have an eighteen year old son, a twenty year old daughter and a husband who would love to have me join him for a round or two of golf. This is not even considering my own parents and my in-laws and their need for some of my time and attention. I am writing this for two reasons, one- I would love any sympathy I can get for spinning my tale of woe (although I know in truth every adult I meet has a similar if not more hectic schedule) two -- I have listened to many complaints about our graduating students and their "poor time-management skills " and I wonder what schedules these kids are juggling. I know from my conversations that many students are under a great deal of pressure and having left assignments to the end of term are now threatening collapse. The impression is very much that things are being done to them and expected of them with very little input on their part. They are not in control of what they are to do so they become very much in control of when (or if) it will be done. Even though I complain of a hectic schedule I still have a sense of being in control. As an adult I am able to say "no" or to more easily negotiate timelines. My students, as kids, don't have the same privileges. How do we as educators give the students control over their learning? This is a question I struggled with in the classroom and it seems to have increased in importance as I deal with students throughout the school.

I deal with many students on a daily basis regarding course changes. Right now I see two or three grade 12 students a day who are concerned that they are not going to do well in a particular course and they are considering dropping the course to pick it up again next semester. The course most often in discussion is the grade 12 math 40S course. As it happens I will be teaching a section next term. One student came in and insisted that his timetable had a misprint because my name is listed as his math teacher. When I told him that it was correct he looked at me and asked " Are you qualified to teach this subject?" I was rather taken aback that he did not question my ability as an administrator, something that I go home nightly questioning. I laughed and asked him if he was interviewing me for the job. And then he said quite seriously "where do you rate yourself on the continuum between Mr. Barnes and Mrs. Hammond(two teachers currently teaching the math course) ?" I told him that I would expect a written evaluation at the end of the course and he could let me know where I fit. We both had a great chuckle and now he sees me in the hall and says he is making his flash cards (as in the Olympics) to give me a running grade from one to ten. He has since told his friends that I am a good math teacher because I have a sense of humor. What a connection! I recall the students comments about a colleague who passed away at the beginning of this school year. Sense of humor, sense of caring, sense of being and sharing "myself" with kids comes through very loud and clear as the way to make connections.

Along my journey I am discovering a great deal about myself. I was concerned about the role that I was expected to fill and very quickly came to the realization that I could not step into someone else's shoes, especially as was pointed out to me a Vice Principal's shoe would most often be pictured as men' oxfords. I see the stories which I thought worthy of recounting during my first year as an administrator are stories dealing with my connections with people. My connections with my son. with my students, with my colleagues and most assuredly with myself. I have come to realize that my way of knowing is by drawing connections not only to external authority but to the "still small voice " inside. I must continue the conversation.

*****

Well, Doug, I know we haven't talked in awhile, but I've often thought what I would say when I saw you again and you asked "how are things with you?" Remember that day in your office when you first mentioned administration to me? Do you remember when I reacted by saying that I had never seriously seen myself in such a role and you pulled out that quote, on an overhead transparency, if I remember correctly, and you said I should ignore the gender reference. It read "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Well I certainly have not "done nothing." I have been working very hard at building relationships with my new community of teachers, students, parents and administrator colleagues. I never before realized just quite how angry I could become when expected to take on a role that was devoid of my personality and oblivious to my need for community. I've come to appreciate and accept myself for my inner strength. I must thank you for having the confidence in me to push me beyond my comfortable position and to encourage me to just try. But Doug, I'm finally ready to say you should use a different quote. The gender reference is something I am no longer able to ignore. Those "men's oxfords" under my desk are not mine. Come for a visit anytime and you are most likely to find a pair of Naturalizers, comfortable, practical and available in my size.

Belenky, Mary et al. 1986 Women's Ways Of Knowing: The Development of Self, Voice, and Mind. New York: Basic Books, Inc.

Conroy, Frank 1991 Think About It: Ways we know, and don't. Harper's Magazine: Nov: 68-70.

Hartzell, Gary (Ed)1995 New Voices In the Fields: The Work Lives of First-Year Assistant Principals. Thousand Oaks: Corwin Press.

Meier, Deborah 1995 The Power Of Their Ideas : lessons for America from a small school in Harlem. Boston: Beacon Press.